Parenting Advice based on TBRI Training!

Pro-active Parenting

01/21/2014

Angela Simpson, BSW

Parenting is not about being the “perfect parent,” there is no such thing, and it’s not about turning your child into the “perfect child,” because again, there is no such thing. Parenting is about being in a relationship with your child and navigating the world with them. Parenting is providing support and nurture. Parenting is about being dedicated to your child’s growth and learning. Parenting is about teaching a child to set goals, prioritize, and follow through. Parenting is showing your children how to love and trust and gaining their love and trust.
Parenting should not be a constant battle for control. Parenting should not be a yelling match or a fight to see who can have the last word. Parenting is not about making your child feel afraid of you or shameful of their behavior.

So I’m sure you’re thinking that sounds great but how? It’s harder than it looks! I completely agree! Parenting is hard. Adoptive parenting is even harder. Trust-Based Parenting focuses on the parent-child relationship. Dr. Kayrn Purvis and Dr. David Cross recommend using a pro-active approach to parenting that has a balance of structure and nurture. I’ve heard Dr. Purvis say over and over, “If you give your child nurture when they need structure you limit their ability to grow. If you give your child structure when they need nurture you limit their ability to trust.” 

 

It’s all about having a good balance and having a plan and sticking to the plan. Instead of reacting to a child and “laying down the law,” Purvis and Cross recommend using each moment as a learning experience. Setting boundaries and expectations and empowering your child to succeed is the key. TBRI® teaches that it is essential for parents to be very aware in your interactions with your child and be able to recognize when you are fall off the track. 

 

Here are a few ways to practice pro-active parenting. 

• Talk to your child about what he or she should expect and give warnings about upcoming transitions. 
• Share control and give developmentally appropriate choices. 
• Use life scripts, it is so helpful to have simple phrases you can use with your child like, “can you try that again with respect,” “listen and obey,” or “gentle and kind,” which are repeated when the circumstance warrants to help your child get back on track.
• Be proactive and teach social skills and self-regulation by practicing using skits. 
• Avoid reacting to the child’s behavior and help them opportunities to work through an appropriate way to respond in the moment ask them to “try it again.” 
• Find a way to make it fun. Parent outside the box and use your imagination, try using puppets, stuffed animals, songs and dance and make mundane activities fun. Typically children don’t enjoy cleaning their room, but it is a chore that needs to be done so make it into a game or play music. 
• Children may act out to get your attention. Take a break from what you’re doing if you can, set a timer and give your child undivided attention. You can also try involving your child in your household tasks – children can help clean or cook dinner with you. 
• Be aware of the tone and cadence you use. Talk with your children don’t yell at them. 

Every parent gets off the track every once in a while, because, well, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Just get back on and try it again. It is also great to apologize to your child when you make a mistake, because even great parents make mistakes. Apologizing is a great way to model and show your child that ok to make mistakes and that they are not flawed just because they made a mistake.

MLJ Adoptions Support Services offers support without judgment to help empower you to be the best parent you can be. Please contact us for group or individual support or feel free to participate in one of our classes at any time. We have books and other resources available on our resource page if you’re interested in learning more. 

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The End of Independent International Adoptions? The US Congressional Universal Accreditation Act

I am sharing this blog in light of many families that have hosted and are working on their adoptions, hoping to complete an independent adoption.  Here is a link to USCIS's website to find out more information about how the Universal Accreditation Act will affect independent adoptions from Ukraine:  http://adoption.state.gov/adoption_process/faqs/uaa_2012.php

Best wishes to all of you on your journey!

12/21/2012

Michele L. Jackson, J.D.

As an adoption professional, I have been closely monitoring the discussions in Washington in Congress and the U.S. State Department and the discussions at adoption conferences regarding the Universal Accreditation Act. The Universal Accreditation Act originated in the Senate and introduced by long standing adoption advocates Senator Lugar, Senator Kerry, Senator Landrieu and Senator Inhofe. These members of the Senate have researched, monitored and supported international adoption efforts for years. They have been staunch advocates for international adoption and adoptive parents and families.
The Universal Accreditation Act would require specific standards for international adoption service providers (adoption professionals). All individuals, groups, non-profits, entities, organizations, ministries or agencies providing adoption services would be required to obtain either Hague Accreditation or Approval or Universal Accreditation or Approval. This Accreditation or Approval is a type of licensing by the Federal government to provide adoption services. MLJ Adoptions is one of two agencies in the State of Indiana that is Hague Approved or Accredited. Adoption services may include (but are not limited to): adoption preparation education, home study, child matching or referral to adoptive parents, advertising about children waiting for adoption, and adoption document preparation.
The U.S. State Department and Joint Counsel on International Children's Issues (JCICS) are in support of said requirements. According to these entities and many other adoption professionals, there is a firm belief that Universal Accreditation will be implemented in the next two years.
Why are so many in favor of accreditation/licensing of adoption service providers? Accreditation would promote the best interests of children, monitor adoption service providers to ensure ethical practices, promote transparent adoptions, protect children from child trafficking, protect adoptive parents from failed adoptions, and promote continued adoptions in countries (we often observe countries where numerous independent adoptions have occurred closely due to problems and fraud in these independent international adoptions). The choices and actions made by adoptive parents and adoption professional affect international adoption. While many are well-meaning, we must all continue to educate ourselves and strive to make the right decisions for all orphans and the international adoption process. This is often complicated by our personal desires, the complexities of the international adoption process and the unknowns in foreign cultures.
What affect will this Universal Accreditation Act have on the international adoption process? It may cause delays in adoptions. Adoptions in process by facilitators or independent international adoptions may be ceased or denied. Adoption agencies that do not obtain the accreditation likely will be prohibited from working on international adoptions. Often when an adoption is being completed independently or by an agency that loses the right to do the adoption (loses licenses or does not obtain accreditation), the adoptive parents and child suffer. The adoption may completely fail, the adoptive parents may lose precious time and have significant delays, and the adoptive parents may lose money paid and have to redo documents. The child is left waiting for their forever family and often in less healthy living conditions.
Universal Accreditation as it is currently proposed will end independent international adoptions and adoptions by facilitators. Whether you are adopting from the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) or adopting from Nicaragua or adopting from any other country, you should understand that this law could impact your adoption. Many international adoptions take 1-2 years and during that time this Senate Bill could be passed.
Whether the Universal Accreditation is passed this year or next or the next, consider its effect on international adoption and consider how your choices and actions could also affect international adoption and the future for many orphans.
Photo Credit: Moche Fedor
For more information on any of our international adoption programs, click here.


Read more: http://mljadoptions.com/Media.aspx?articleID=692#ixzz2qaN4fD4p

Being an Advocate for Your Child

I am a mother to seven children, three biological and four adopted.  I love my children deeply but I have no illusions about “who” they are. I know which ones are prone to misbehave and how they react and I do not usually make excuses for their behavior. When the school calls, I am not the parent that believes their child is always innocent…I typically believe the teacher, principal, or bus driver and then listen to my child’s story and the story of the other children before forming my opinion. Most often I find myself siding with the authority, however today was different.

If you have ever heard of how angry a momma bear gets, then you might understand how angry I became over what I am about to share. I was at a meeting downtown today when I received a call from my daughter telling me that my son had gotten in trouble on the bus for tying his shoe and was moved up to the front seat. He was angry and said he didn't understand why he would have to sit in the front seat for tying his shoe. Then the bus driver then told him she was taking him back to the school and did just that - dropped him off at the back door of the school and ordered him to get off! He had no idea what he was supposed to do - he doesn't have a cell phone and he is not really capable of figuring out what he DID need to do. He stood at the back door of the school and waited for a teacher.

In the meantime, my daughters called me and told me what was going on – they would be the first to tell me if he had done something wrong – but they were sticking up for him and were very upset that he had been just dropped off. I called the school and asked to speak to the principal - as I was a 30 minute drive away.

So what does this blog have to do with adoption? My son spent the first eleven and a half years of his life in a less than ideal environment. I have learned through TBRI (Trust Based Relational Intervention) training about what trauma and neglect do to the brain chemistry of children who have experienced trauma. These children usually have cortisol (stress hormone) levels of more than twice what is normal range due to the stress and trauma they endured while they were young. Dr. Karen Purvis, author of the book, The Connected Child calls this the neurochemistry of fear. When these children feel stressed, they react different than others.  When yelled at or disciplined in a harsh way, these children will seem defiant. Yet it is not defiance they are acting out of, it is that their brain chemistry is reacting differently due to imbalances of neurochemistry, such as too much cortisol, and not enough dopamine and serotonin. Dopamine is needed for logical and clear thinking and serotonin is needed for calming yourself down. 

The science of the brain and how it responds is amazing. Dr. Purvis shares, the bad news is the brain is plastic and changeable but the good news is the brain is plastic and changeable. Translation is that while trauma and abuse can change the brain chemistry and makeup with a negative impact, the good news is with therapy, the right interventions, and a loving family working with the child, the brain chemistry and make up can be changed for the positive!

I share this story to help educate you to the behaviors of children like my son, the child you may have, or be considering adopting that has had trauma, difficult pregnancy, difficult delivery, early hospitalization, abuse or neglect. All of these are identified risk factors in working to change the brains neurochemistry which also impacts logical thinking, ability to trust, ability to learn, ability to touch and be touched as well as how they react to stress. I have taken this opportunity to be an advocate for my child – to educate the school about my son as well as any other child that may have had any of the six risks for experiencing the neurochemistry of fear. I am thrilled the school is open to reading the book, Help for Billy by Heather T. Forbes which addresses better interventions to help challenging children. Being educated about the behaviors and reasons behind it helps me to better understand as well as advocate for my children – I hope you will take the time to do the same!
 

For more information about MLJ's international adoption programs, please click here.


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The Hidden Cost of Adoption

When families begin researching adoption and comparing costs of one country to another or one adoption agency to another, they often do not think of a cost that is not as obvious to them. Most adoption agencies don’t list it in their fee sheets and mot adoptive parents do not speak of such costs. What are we hiding? 

The truth is we are not hiding the cost. However one financial piece of the puzzle is often left unspoken, and that is the cost of follow up therapy and/or appointments that may be necessary once your child comes home.  Psychologists, Occupational Therapists, Dieticians, Tutors, Counselors and possibly time off of work are just a few of the costs that we often do not think about when we are calculating the cost of adoption.

At MLJ Adoptions, we are passionate about our families receiving education they need to help them make their adoptions as successful as possible. This passion for education was born from working with children and families, our own education about adoption and the children we help. For me personally it has been about raising my family and experiencing the disappointment, the frustration, and the suffering  that drives me to encourage families to make the most of the adoption education. 

In the classes offered at MLJ, we truly only scratch the surface of what families need to know and we strive to find the balance of educating yet not terrifying families. The needs of these children can be difficult to handle and many families choose to believe that it could not happen to them. It is my personal belief that we go through situations so that we can help others that come after us. I believe my personal experience provides me with insight for the families I work with and their expectations. I too came in to adoption with the “and they lived happily ever after” mindset, believing that love was what was the only thing they needed. However, the challenges that my family faces are the reality that parents choose to often overlook.

Your child may need the help of a psychologist to overcome their past and to make peace with what they have been through. Your child may have sensory issues and the need of an occupational therapist to help. The daily diet that your child has may be intensifying behavior. Your child may experience learning disorders due to trauma and neglect. The pressure and frustration you may experience could result in the need for a counselor to help you work through it. Your child may need more one on one after coming home to establish trust and security, are you prepared to stay home to work through this? 

Questions that families need to consider:

1. Does your insurance cover this? 
2. Do you have money set aside for this?
3. Do I have the support system needed?
4. Do I have access to resources?
5. Is my school prepared to accommodate my child’s needs?

I agree with this quote by David Bailey, “The best advice I ever got was that knowledge is power and to keep reading”.   The wait period during an adoption often goes wasted. Families do not always take full advantage of the time that they could be using to prepare for their child.  Parents can begin learning how to recognize sensory issues, how to determine if a child’s diet needs changing, reading publications by professionals such as Dr. Karen Purvis’s book “The Connected Child” or Heather T. Forbes’ book “Beyond Consequences” as well as many other books that will offer insight and understanding.  During the wait for a referral is a great time to focus on education, learning about what to expect, preparing for the worst while expecting the best.   

Whether you are adopting from Ukraine, Bulgaria or adopting from Nicaragua, adopting internationally or domestically, by planning ahead and considering the “what ifs” families can be better prepared for the hidden costs of adoption and be equipped to make their adoption successful.
Check out our Calendar HERE to see what Adoption Education Classes we have coming up!
Photo Credit: marin


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Life has been busy!

It is hard to believe that it has been over a  year since I have written anything - at this point, I'm not sure anyone is out there to read this!  But....I will attempt to reach out.  I have been doing some blogging for MLJ Adoptions as VP of Programs - Director for Bulgaria, Ukraine, Nicaragua, Mexico, Honduras and Haiti.  Over the next few weeks I will be sharing some of my favorite blogs!

TBRI TRAINING AND THE EMPOWERED TO CONNECT CONFERENCE

 

As many of you have read, several MLJ staff members attended the TBRI® training in Texas earlier this year. I hope that all MLJ families will benefit from the blogs we have written from what we have learned. For me, TBRI® was more than part of my job, it was personal. I am an adoptive mother of 4 Ukrainian children and three out of the four were older. The training I received has been a great help in understanding my children and a much needed tool to help on a daily basis.

I would really encourage families to consider attending one of the upcoming Empowered To Connect Conferences that will be coming up. Here are the dates and locations for the 2014 conferences:

• February 14-15, 2014 – Birmingham, Alabama
• April 4-5, 2014 — St. Louis, Missouri
• September 12-13, 2014 — Washington, D.C.

For more information or to register online, please visit www.etcconference.org.  

 

Below is a summary of the TBRI blog series…if you missed one, I would highly encourage you to go back and read!  You can also go to our website and choose TBRI TUESDAYS under categories to catch up on any that you might have missed.  

• The Power Of Choices And How To Share It by Brooke Randolph – shares how to use choices and compromises to help give your children a voice and allows them to feel that they have some control in their lives.
• Early Risk Factors And Deficits by Brooke Randolph – shares how even before birth, your child was impacted by their surroundings and how a difficult pregnancy, difficult birth, early hospitalization, abuse, neglect and trauma can impact how our children can process the world.
• Teaching Self-Regulation by Angela Simpson – informs us that children rely on parents to help regulate themselves until they can learn the tools to self-regulate. Deep breathing and visual tools are just a few examples to help your child self-regulate. 
• Hydration, Blood Sugar, Behavior, and Learning by Brook Randolph – reminds parents that proper hydration enables focusing, problem-solving, and short-term memory, as well as controls appetite and reduces fatigue.  Also, if blood sugar levels are not controlled it can contribute to over-reacting, grumpiness, or unclear thinking.  
• Working Through Transitions by Angela Simpson – shares how routines are helpful for any child or family dynamic, and that children from “hard places” particularly benefit from having a consistent routine. Talking children through transitions and using storybooks to explain transitions are just a few ways to help your children cope with new ideas and events. 
• Sensory Processing and the Adopted Child by Nicole Skellenger – informs parents that for many children adopted internationally, the development of one or more of the senses may be delayed or have a higher risk of having a delay. These delays may be considered Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), which can result in confusion for the child in how they experience their world through their senses. 
• Felt Safety by Brooke Randolph – shares that although children may be in a safe environment, it is necessary for them to feel safe in order to properly learn and attach. Felt safety means that a child knows and believes that he or she will not be harmed, will have enough food, will be comforted when scared, will not be rejected, is valued, and that his or her desires are important.
• Trust-Based Relational Interventions for Every Child by Brooke Randolph – clarifies to parents that the science behind TBRI® is sound and applicable to all children, not just adopted children. For some children, there may be no other strategy that will result in the same positive outcomes, but it is clear all children (and their parents) can benefit from TBRI®.

In addition to the TBRI® blogs listed above, I have written some that have been impacted by my TBRI® training:

• Hidden Cost Of Adoption
• Being An Advocate For Your Child
• Why Do I Need Adoption Education?  

Due to my TBRI® training and the impact I have seen in my personal and professional life, I have become a strong advocate to make sure families are informed. I hope you will take the time to read the blogs listed above and that you will feel as strongly as I do that to have a successful adoption, you must equip yourself in every possible way.

Photo Credit: Luca Rossato

Follow our TBRI® Tuesday series right here on the blog every Tuesday.

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