Being an Advocate for Your Child

I am a mother to seven children, three biological and four adopted.  I love my children deeply but I have no illusions about “who” they are. I know which ones are prone to misbehave and how they react and I do not usually make excuses for their behavior. When the school calls, I am not the parent that believes their child is always innocent…I typically believe the teacher, principal, or bus driver and then listen to my child’s story and the story of the other children before forming my opinion. Most often I find myself siding with the authority, however today was different.

If you have ever heard of how angry a momma bear gets, then you might understand how angry I became over what I am about to share. I was at a meeting downtown today when I received a call from my daughter telling me that my son had gotten in trouble on the bus for tying his shoe and was moved up to the front seat. He was angry and said he didn't understand why he would have to sit in the front seat for tying his shoe. Then the bus driver then told him she was taking him back to the school and did just that - dropped him off at the back door of the school and ordered him to get off! He had no idea what he was supposed to do - he doesn't have a cell phone and he is not really capable of figuring out what he DID need to do. He stood at the back door of the school and waited for a teacher.

In the meantime, my daughters called me and told me what was going on – they would be the first to tell me if he had done something wrong – but they were sticking up for him and were very upset that he had been just dropped off. I called the school and asked to speak to the principal - as I was a 30 minute drive away.

So what does this blog have to do with adoption? My son spent the first eleven and a half years of his life in a less than ideal environment. I have learned through TBRI (Trust Based Relational Intervention) training about what trauma and neglect do to the brain chemistry of children who have experienced trauma. These children usually have cortisol (stress hormone) levels of more than twice what is normal range due to the stress and trauma they endured while they were young. Dr. Karen Purvis, author of the book, The Connected Child calls this the neurochemistry of fear. When these children feel stressed, they react different than others.  When yelled at or disciplined in a harsh way, these children will seem defiant. Yet it is not defiance they are acting out of, it is that their brain chemistry is reacting differently due to imbalances of neurochemistry, such as too much cortisol, and not enough dopamine and serotonin. Dopamine is needed for logical and clear thinking and serotonin is needed for calming yourself down. 

The science of the brain and how it responds is amazing. Dr. Purvis shares, the bad news is the brain is plastic and changeable but the good news is the brain is plastic and changeable. Translation is that while trauma and abuse can change the brain chemistry and makeup with a negative impact, the good news is with therapy, the right interventions, and a loving family working with the child, the brain chemistry and make up can be changed for the positive!

I share this story to help educate you to the behaviors of children like my son, the child you may have, or be considering adopting that has had trauma, difficult pregnancy, difficult delivery, early hospitalization, abuse or neglect. All of these are identified risk factors in working to change the brains neurochemistry which also impacts logical thinking, ability to trust, ability to learn, ability to touch and be touched as well as how they react to stress. I have taken this opportunity to be an advocate for my child – to educate the school about my son as well as any other child that may have had any of the six risks for experiencing the neurochemistry of fear. I am thrilled the school is open to reading the book, Help for Billy by Heather T. Forbes which addresses better interventions to help challenging children. Being educated about the behaviors and reasons behind it helps me to better understand as well as advocate for my children – I hope you will take the time to do the same!
 

For more information about MLJ's international adoption programs, please click here.


Read more: http://mljadoptions.com/Media.aspx?articleID=882#ixzz2qTBYFu9u

The Hidden Cost of Adoption

When families begin researching adoption and comparing costs of one country to another or one adoption agency to another, they often do not think of a cost that is not as obvious to them. Most adoption agencies don’t list it in their fee sheets and mot adoptive parents do not speak of such costs. What are we hiding? 

The truth is we are not hiding the cost. However one financial piece of the puzzle is often left unspoken, and that is the cost of follow up therapy and/or appointments that may be necessary once your child comes home.  Psychologists, Occupational Therapists, Dieticians, Tutors, Counselors and possibly time off of work are just a few of the costs that we often do not think about when we are calculating the cost of adoption.

At MLJ Adoptions, we are passionate about our families receiving education they need to help them make their adoptions as successful as possible. This passion for education was born from working with children and families, our own education about adoption and the children we help. For me personally it has been about raising my family and experiencing the disappointment, the frustration, and the suffering  that drives me to encourage families to make the most of the adoption education. 

In the classes offered at MLJ, we truly only scratch the surface of what families need to know and we strive to find the balance of educating yet not terrifying families. The needs of these children can be difficult to handle and many families choose to believe that it could not happen to them. It is my personal belief that we go through situations so that we can help others that come after us. I believe my personal experience provides me with insight for the families I work with and their expectations. I too came in to adoption with the “and they lived happily ever after” mindset, believing that love was what was the only thing they needed. However, the challenges that my family faces are the reality that parents choose to often overlook.

Your child may need the help of a psychologist to overcome their past and to make peace with what they have been through. Your child may have sensory issues and the need of an occupational therapist to help. The daily diet that your child has may be intensifying behavior. Your child may experience learning disorders due to trauma and neglect. The pressure and frustration you may experience could result in the need for a counselor to help you work through it. Your child may need more one on one after coming home to establish trust and security, are you prepared to stay home to work through this? 

Questions that families need to consider:

1. Does your insurance cover this? 
2. Do you have money set aside for this?
3. Do I have the support system needed?
4. Do I have access to resources?
5. Is my school prepared to accommodate my child’s needs?

I agree with this quote by David Bailey, “The best advice I ever got was that knowledge is power and to keep reading”.   The wait period during an adoption often goes wasted. Families do not always take full advantage of the time that they could be using to prepare for their child.  Parents can begin learning how to recognize sensory issues, how to determine if a child’s diet needs changing, reading publications by professionals such as Dr. Karen Purvis’s book “The Connected Child” or Heather T. Forbes’ book “Beyond Consequences” as well as many other books that will offer insight and understanding.  During the wait for a referral is a great time to focus on education, learning about what to expect, preparing for the worst while expecting the best.   

Whether you are adopting from Ukraine, Bulgaria or adopting from Nicaragua, adopting internationally or domestically, by planning ahead and considering the “what ifs” families can be better prepared for the hidden costs of adoption and be equipped to make their adoption successful.
Check out our Calendar HERE to see what Adoption Education Classes we have coming up!
Photo Credit: marin


Read more: http://mljadoptions.com/Media.aspx?articleID=900#ixzz2qOxUlRQT

Life has been busy!

It is hard to believe that it has been over a  year since I have written anything - at this point, I'm not sure anyone is out there to read this!  But....I will attempt to reach out.  I have been doing some blogging for MLJ Adoptions as VP of Programs - Director for Bulgaria, Ukraine, Nicaragua, Mexico, Honduras and Haiti.  Over the next few weeks I will be sharing some of my favorite blogs!

TBRI TRAINING AND THE EMPOWERED TO CONNECT CONFERENCE

 

As many of you have read, several MLJ staff members attended the TBRI® training in Texas earlier this year. I hope that all MLJ families will benefit from the blogs we have written from what we have learned. For me, TBRI® was more than part of my job, it was personal. I am an adoptive mother of 4 Ukrainian children and three out of the four were older. The training I received has been a great help in understanding my children and a much needed tool to help on a daily basis.

I would really encourage families to consider attending one of the upcoming Empowered To Connect Conferences that will be coming up. Here are the dates and locations for the 2014 conferences:

• February 14-15, 2014 – Birmingham, Alabama
• April 4-5, 2014 — St. Louis, Missouri
• September 12-13, 2014 — Washington, D.C.

For more information or to register online, please visit www.etcconference.org.  

 

Below is a summary of the TBRI blog series…if you missed one, I would highly encourage you to go back and read!  You can also go to our website and choose TBRI TUESDAYS under categories to catch up on any that you might have missed.  

• The Power Of Choices And How To Share It by Brooke Randolph – shares how to use choices and compromises to help give your children a voice and allows them to feel that they have some control in their lives.
• Early Risk Factors And Deficits by Brooke Randolph – shares how even before birth, your child was impacted by their surroundings and how a difficult pregnancy, difficult birth, early hospitalization, abuse, neglect and trauma can impact how our children can process the world.
• Teaching Self-Regulation by Angela Simpson – informs us that children rely on parents to help regulate themselves until they can learn the tools to self-regulate. Deep breathing and visual tools are just a few examples to help your child self-regulate. 
• Hydration, Blood Sugar, Behavior, and Learning by Brook Randolph – reminds parents that proper hydration enables focusing, problem-solving, and short-term memory, as well as controls appetite and reduces fatigue.  Also, if blood sugar levels are not controlled it can contribute to over-reacting, grumpiness, or unclear thinking.  
• Working Through Transitions by Angela Simpson – shares how routines are helpful for any child or family dynamic, and that children from “hard places” particularly benefit from having a consistent routine. Talking children through transitions and using storybooks to explain transitions are just a few ways to help your children cope with new ideas and events. 
• Sensory Processing and the Adopted Child by Nicole Skellenger – informs parents that for many children adopted internationally, the development of one or more of the senses may be delayed or have a higher risk of having a delay. These delays may be considered Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), which can result in confusion for the child in how they experience their world through their senses. 
• Felt Safety by Brooke Randolph – shares that although children may be in a safe environment, it is necessary for them to feel safe in order to properly learn and attach. Felt safety means that a child knows and believes that he or she will not be harmed, will have enough food, will be comforted when scared, will not be rejected, is valued, and that his or her desires are important.
• Trust-Based Relational Interventions for Every Child by Brooke Randolph – clarifies to parents that the science behind TBRI® is sound and applicable to all children, not just adopted children. For some children, there may be no other strategy that will result in the same positive outcomes, but it is clear all children (and their parents) can benefit from TBRI®.

In addition to the TBRI® blogs listed above, I have written some that have been impacted by my TBRI® training:

• Hidden Cost Of Adoption
• Being An Advocate For Your Child
• Why Do I Need Adoption Education?  

Due to my TBRI® training and the impact I have seen in my personal and professional life, I have become a strong advocate to make sure families are informed. I hope you will take the time to read the blogs listed above and that you will feel as strongly as I do that to have a successful adoption, you must equip yourself in every possible way.

Photo Credit: Luca Rossato

Follow our TBRI® Tuesday series right here on the blog every Tuesday.

Read more: http://mljadoptions.com/Media.aspx?articleID=989#ixzz2qOw9FjqU

Most recent family photo!

Choosing to be a Hummingbird

by Lydia Tarr



Recently I heard that a friend of mine was stepping down from the Orphan Ministry at his church.  When I heard this I was saddened, but understood his motivation.  After spending the last 11 years in orphan ministry and the adoption world I have lived the frustration.

It is easy to get discouraged when those around you do not seem to understand what  you feel  about the plight of the orphan.  It is hard when all of those around you can’t understand your passion for the fatherless.  It is difficult to pick yourself up and face the opposition time and time again, only to get knocked back down feeling defeated.  I mean we are talking about ORPHANS!  How can people NOT want to do something? 

I have faced churches who had other focuses, people that were empathetic but not led to help, bureaucracy in foreign countries that get more and more bound by red tape and restrictions, the disappointment of families, the crushed dreams of older children that so desperately wanted a family but it never happened for them…..I could go on and on.  I will just summarize that it is easy to become bitter and feel defeated.

Today I saw that a friend of mine on Facebook (Carolyn Twietmeyer from Project Hopeful) had posted a picture of a hummingbird.  It has become her personal symbol of “doing what you can” and never giving up.  According to Wiki answers, the hummingbird represents  love, joy, and beauty. Because the hummingbird can fly backwards, it teaches us to reflect upon our past but to look to the future and move forward.  Noble Peace Laureate Wangari Maathai shared a story about a hummingbird in a speech she gave, and how this tiny bird when faced with a forest fire that would likely kill all the animals, it  decided to take action and mouthful by mouthful carried water from a nearby stream to douse the fire.  When asked why, the hummingbird replied, “I am doing what I can.”

The story reminded me that despite the frustration that orphan care and the adoption journey may bring, the pain, rejection and bureaucracy that I can choose to be a hummingbird - I will do what I can, and that even though it may seem small, if I can encourage enough people to also do what they can – we just might accomplish something big for the sake of waiting children in Bulgaria, Congo, Ukraine, Honduras, Samoa, Nicaragua and all around the world. 

For the full story of the hummingbird by: Wangari Maathai  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eT98uQ74X1c&feature=related

Love this quote by Derek Loux

“My friends, adoption is redemption. It’s costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him. And when He redeems us, we can’t even really appreciate or comprehend it, just like Dimitri will never comprehend or fully appreciate what is about to happen to him … but … he will live in the fruit of it. As his Daddy, I will never expect him to understand all of this or even to thank me. I just want to watch him live in the benefits of my love and experience the joys of being an heir in my family. This is how our heavenly “Papa” feels towards us. Today, settle your busy heart down and rest in the benefits of redemption. Enjoy the fruits of His goodness, and stop trying to “pay Him back”. You’ll never get close you goofy little kid.” - Derek Loux

Our Family Photo!

Just wanted to share our family photo.....it is now complete.  Thank you Janene at http://www.aboutfacephotographyofgreenwood.com/ !!!

Matthew West & Story Behind "One Less"

Too beautiful!!!!!!!! Enjoy!

Keep Changing The World (With Lyrics) - MIKESCHAIR Feat. Lecrae

Beautiful - I dedicate this song to all those out there who are fighting to change the world for the children who have no voice!!!!!!!!

Meant to Be - Steven Curtis Chapman

Absolutely beautiful!!!!!! This is the message I want children all over the world to know...God had a purpose for their life...they were not a mistake. They are all beautifully and wonderfully made.....

I want to dedicate this song to all of my children and to all the children who do not have someone to tell them how special they are.

What It Means To Have A Family by Katelyn (adopted from Ukraine)

What it means to have a family is that you always have somebody by your side when you’re falling down. It means that you are loved every day no matter what. Having a family gives you a chance where you can be taken care of and fed. You need to remember to appreciate what they do for you. You should be happy if you have a family because a lot of kids in the world don’t have one.


You should be grateful for what you have even if sometimes it’s not the best thing you can think of. I know its great to have a family because before I didn’t and I kind of felt abandoned, but here today I am as happy as can be. I love my family because they are always by my side. My family never lets me down and that’s why I am proud of them. It makes me sad when I see kids alone and know they do not feel loved.

If you have a family, be proud of where you are and who you’re with because they will keep u safe and loved!!!

To my mom and dad, thank you for giving me a beautiful home and a beautiful family. I know sometimes I can be out of control and selfish but most of the time, I remember that you taught me it is wrong and I promise for the rest of my life I will try to be better.

What It Means To Have A Family by Payton (adopted from Ukraine)

Some people don’t have families, their other moms did not want them and that is very sad. I know that because I didn’t always have a cozy home, a bed to sleep in, wonderful food and a family that loves me. It really means a lot that I have a family.


A family makes you feel happy and makes you feel like you’re safe. You will maybe have wonderful brothers and sisters. A family is awesome, they give you love and that is important. Some people don’t have families and that makes me want to cry. Everyone should have a family.

When you have a family, you may get nice clothes and nice bed sheets. Who cares if you have a poor family? Nobody is perfect. We make wrong decisions. You guys should adopt. Kids are so sweet! And yes they make wrong decisions, too. All that matters is that they love you. Every should have a family to love and care for them.

God created us so we can have a family and love. I love kids and they want a family, so someday I am going to adopt a kid. Some of them are praying so hard to God to get a family and that is terrible that they don’t have one. Just let God into your heart. I am praying that every kid gets a family and God is praying, too. When I get older I’m going to adopt 8 kids because I love kids and God let me into his heart.

What A Family Means by Graceson (sister to 4 adopted siblings from Ukraine)

What it means to have a family is to have people that love you and surround you with love, care, and support. They comfort you when you need it. A mom is someone that kisses your booboos, a dad plays outside with you, brothers and sisters tease you, those are the people are most important in every one’s life.

A family and God is everything we need. Having a family is to have a full life. If we didn’t have a family we would feel lost and alone. You might say you have friends and do not need a family but friendships don’t always last. A family lasts a lifetime.

We may think people in our family aren’t that important and sometimes forget how lucky we are to have them in our life. There are kids in the orphanage that would trade you places any day. They are alone because their family made different choices or had problems that could not be fixed. If you have the time to go to an orphanage and spend time with those kids, it would mean the world to them. Maybe you could give them a family if you felt that is what God wanted you to do.

A family is to have the inside of you bursting with love. So every time you fight with a family member, think of how lucky you are to have them. Because all over the world there are kids wishing they were you.

Having a family by Lauren (adopted from Ukraine)

God created my family and I am so glad that I have them. My dad, my mom, my brothers and my sisters all care for each other, because that is what a family does for each other. I am proud of my family because they help me through everything - friends, homework, and a lot of other things. A family is a special blessing, it's being loved.

I am proud of my mom because she works to find children families. That is exactly what she did for me, my 2 sisters, and my brother! My mom is always happy when somebody gets adopted. Sometimes my mom has us pray for a family she knows or the children she is trying to help. I wish that all children had families that love them.

Having a family is being together when it matters. My family is crazy, and we argue, but we still love each other. Most families DO NOT ALWAYS GET ALONG GREAT!!!!!! They fuss, they whine, they hit, they smack, they kick, ... (Totally not perfect) but they are there for each other. Parents teach you what is important, everything from manners, God, and how to behave.

Families are great, and what I really like about families are the members of the family. The whole gang is what matters. They love you no matter what you do (even if you even broke something). My family is the best and I love them very much.

The Most Vulnerable Orphans

I love my job... and I especially love working with the children! It is such an incredible feeling to see children coming home to loving families. Even more wonderful is when I have the opportunity to witness the changes in the lives of the children - how they blossom with the love, security and opportunities a family provides.


Despite the positives my job provides, one of the most difficult challenges is knowing there are the children that I may not be able to help find families. The ones that are overlooked because they are not perfect. They are the most vulnerable; the older child, the ones with disabilities, the large sibling group... How do I help them?



I know of a beautiful 18 month old girl; a healthy, smart and handsome six year old boy needing an operation and prosthetics; a sibling group of three boys ages 5-10; a sibling group of four; a six year old girl with developmental delays… all of them in such need for a family. How can we help them?



At MLJ ADOPTIONS, INC. we are developing a special needs program because it is our heart to make families aware of these precious children and do all we can to connect them to families. If you are open to a child who may need extra love and care, or if one of the children mentioned above pulls at your heart, please email me. Who knows what may happen?

SAY YES

Thousand Lives by Doug Johnson

Beautiful song about reaching 1000 lives for Christ. My goal is to reach 1000 orphans and help them to find loving Christian families. Enjoy!!

Abba Changes Everything | Christianity Today | A Magazine of Evangelical Conviction

Abba Changes Everything Christianity Today A Magazine of Evangelical Conviction

International Adoption Updates

( http://hopefororphans.com/Display.asp?Page=June2010#June10Article5 )


In light of the ever-changing world of international adoption, we want to highlight some of the recent changes and issues related to adoption in six countries in particular: Ethiopia, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Nepal, Russia and Swaziland.

Ethiopia
The U.S. State Department issued a Notice on April 13, 2010, that The Federal First Instance Court of Ethiopia has issued an announcement that as of May 9, 2010, adoptive parents must now be present at the federal court hearing in order for the adoption to be approved. That means two trips must now be made instead of just one as before. This new ruling affects all pending and new adoption cases. For the complete statement, please click here.

Kazakhstan
The U.S. State Department issued an Alert on May 21, 2010 stating that on May 17th, the Kazakhstan Government has instructed its Embassy and Consulate General not to accept any new intercountry adoption dossiers until Kazakhstan becomes compliant with the Hague Adoption Convention, which it hopes to be by September 2010. For more information, please click here.

Kyrgyzstan
The U.S. State Department issued an Alert on April 28, 2010 discussing the ongoing investigations of corruption and fraud which caused the Kyrgyz government to stop processing all inter-country adoptions in October 2008, including at least 65 adoptions by American families that were already in process when the halt was announced. Recently, the Kyrgyz Parliament passed a bill that, if signed by the president, will affect international adoptions, though its actual impact is unclear. For more information, please click here.

Nepal
The U.S. State Department issued an Alert on May 26, 2010, strongly discouraging prospective adoptive parents from pursuing adoption of Nepalese children due to what it calls “grave concerns” about the adoption system in Nepal. It even goes so far as to encourage families that are already in the process (but who have not yet been matched with a child) to consider pursuing adoption from a different country instead. For more information, please click here.

Russia
The U.S. State Department issued a notice on June 18, 2010, announcing that an American interagency team had been involved in meetings in Washington, DC in mid-June for a third round of meetings an adoption agreement. The discussions were reported to be productive and positive, with the hopes that inter-country adoptions between Russia and the United States will continue in the future with proper safeguards in place. For more information, please click here.

Swaziland
The U.S. State Department issued an Alert on March 1, 2010 stating that the government of Swaziland had informed the U.S. embassy in February that it is reviewing its adoption procedures and will cease processing inter-country adoptions until the review is completed. Cases that were already with the High Court at that time will be allowed to continue. For more information, please click here.

Please check out the countries we currently have programs in (www.mljadoptions.com )
Bulgaria, Congo, Haiti, Honduras, Nicaragua, Ukraine - all are currently open!

Guest Bogger Paul Pennington

NOTE FROM PAUL PENNINGTON

Executive Director, Hope for Orphans

Behind A Frowning Providence

Some of the very best things in my life have happened as a result of some of the hardest things in my life. There was a day that Robin and I learned that we had lost a baby and the ability to ever have a biological child short of in-vitro fertilization. It was a hard day. It was hard to pray or understand. But little did we know that as this was happening a little girl was soon to be born. This little girl was our daughter Kit whom God brought to us just 6 months later. Not only was she a gift we could not have imagined, but also through her, the Lord led us to more of our children, some born on the other side of the world, and ultimately to this ministry.
In his new book about Ruth, A Sweet and Bitter Providence, Pastor John Piper shares a quote from William Cowper, an 18th century poet and hymn writer:
“Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust him for his grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.”

Joseph experienced this frowning providence when his brothers sold him into slavery. But as you know, God knew this very act would bring about the rescue of those same brothers from famine and His grace would be demonstrated through the centuries like a chain in His word to us in the 21st century.

Every adoption begins in hurt of some kind. Sometimes being the parent of a child through adoption involves a lot of hurt. We all come from a hard place because of the first Adam’s fateful choice in the garden. Thankfully, the second Adam also made a choice in a garden, a choice not to save Himself, a choice made so that we might receive adoption as sons of God through Him.

As we consider with eyes wide open the road of adoption and loving the fatherless, let us remember why Ruth the Moabitess was able to say to Naomi in Ruth 1:16-17 that she would follow her from all that was familiar and safe…how she committed herself to this widow to the point of saying that Naomi’s God would be her God and Naomi’s people her people.

Ruth was grafted into this family and met her kinsman redeemer because as Piper says, “Here we have a picture of…faith in God that sees beyond present bitter setbacks. Freedom from the securities and comforts of the world. Courage to venture into the unknown and the strange. Radical commitment in the relationships appointed by God”. In this case, a relationship that led to line of David and The Messiah.
May those called to adopt, or to love a foster child, or to serve churches overseas in loving orphans be likewise radically committed to the relationships appointed by God for them. May we see the world as the work of God, and that we are privileged and blessed to be invited to join Him in His work. May we see God who sometimes uses frowning providence in bringing about His will, as the very One in whom we will very soon see His smiling face.

Blessings,

Paul

Complete Hope for Orphans newsletter:  http://hopefororphans.com/Display.asp?Page=June2010#June10Article5