The True Cost of Adoption by Lydia Tarr

What is the true cost of adoption? I don't mean merely the dollar figure - although that is a big part of the adoption journey. What I am talking about is the hidden costs in adoption – our time, our emotions, our comfort, our expectations…

Many never realize the complexity of adoption. It is something I have tried to explain to many families, only to later realize they don’t truly understand until the end of the process, some not even then. I have told all of my families that adoption is hard. It is even imprinted on the back of my business card – “Adoption is not for the faint of heart”… but it still doesn’t sink in until after the fact and families seem surprised.

No single adoption is ever identical to the next. For some, not unlike childbirth, will have easy adoptions with little pain or effort, while others may struggle and labor hard for the same outcome. Is it fair? A common phrase at our home is, “Life isn’t fair.” God never promised us a life of fairness in this world. God determines each step of the journey and if we trust Him, we know that in Romans 8:28, he promises “all things work together for the good of those called according to His purpose.”

First, let’s begin with the investment of our emotions. For most of us, when we start the adoption process our emotions begin to build as we imagine and fall in love with the fairytale of adoption. I used to tell my 3 year old daughter a story before we adopted our first daughter Lauren from Ukraine, “Once upon a time in a land far, far, away lived a beautiful little princess who was waiting for her mommy and daddy to find her…..and as many of you know it ends with, “and they lived happily ever after.”

We dream of the child we want to rescue. Our emotions dictate our story – one day it is happy endings and the next day it is the horror story often portrayed by the media. If we have happy thoughts, then our adoption is going well. However, if bad thoughts rule the day, then we are going to ruin our family.

For those of you who have been through the process of adoption, you understand the cost of those emotions. With adoption, you will experience many highs and lows. One of my familes shared that their biggest highs and biggest lows often fell on the same day.

Next, there is the sacrifice of our time. Time is required to do the necessary paper chasing – which I know that everyone loves (I say this in jest!). Gathering seemingly countless documents, scheduling fingerprints, doctors appointments, redoing papers…it goes on. And that is only a fraction of the time it takes to travel, complete the process and bring our children home. Months and sometimes even years of our time is invested in our adoption.

The time required in country is often what determines if a family moves forward. Many families I have talked to that did not choose to go forward with adoption, used time as their defense. I want you to consider something. If I told you that in order for you to save the life of one of your loved ones, you would have to dedicate 4-6 weeks with them, isolated from all that is comfortable to you and would be away from your family and friends – what would you do? Most of us would not hesitate to do what it took to save the life of the ones we love.

This brings us to our next cost, our comfort. It is highly uncomfortable for most of us to write the initial check to begin our adoption, much less to hand over thousands of dollars later. Then there is the uncomfortable feeling of divulging all of our personal information to many along the adoption journey. Some other items to add to this tally that takes us out of our comfort zone are rooted in fear – fear of flying, travelling, being away from family and our home, not speaking the language, not understanding the culture…. For many this is a price too dear, another stumbling block of adoption.

There are also many expectations in the adoption journey- what we expect, what our family and friends expect, what your newly adopted child expects. Many times, our disappointments or unhappiness stem from the fact that our expectations were not met. Our happiness depends on those same expectations being fulfilled. Most families enter in to the process with high expectations and don’t expect reality to intervene. Unfortunately, life is full of reality.

The reality of life is that not every adoption is successful, not every child wants to be adopted, not every child will be available, not every family will finish their adoption in record time (although I know that is what we all secretly wish for – I have been there and have done the same). The reality is that our children will not instantly behave the way we want, or want what we want for them. The reality is that our adoption may not go as smooth as we hoped, and there are too many other “realities” to list them all.

So let’s add up the costs - Our time + our emotions + our comfort + our expectations, (and let’s not forget to add the obvious cost) + our money = our adoption. Now I want to put it in to what I think is the biblical perspective of adoption. My belief is that adoption is a pure reflection of what God did for us by making a way for us to be part of His family. In Ephesians 1:4-6, it states, “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.”

I have also shared with many that I believe that God has predestined our children. It says in Psalms 139: 16, “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. ”. I encourage all of my families to pray as I did, that God will lead them to the child He has already predestined for their family. Sometimes that child is not the one we think it will be and for those who persevere, they usually understand that at the end. There are also times when I feel at the end of my rope with one of my children and worry about trying to figure out how to parent them and at that point I have to remember that God brought us together and He will give me what it takes to do so. It is a sometimes painful process but one that stretches me and helps me grow, especially when I think of how the relationship compares to the one God has with us.

So what does God think about the cost of adoption? Let’s first consider the finances, as that is usually one of the largest costs. I understand that for many, the cost of adoption is overwhelming. It is more than a lot of families think that they can afford, but time and time again I have seen God provide in amazing ways.

I know it is God’s heart even more than ours, for orphans to have a family that can meet the needs that every child has – physical, spiritual and emotional. God designed the family unit and only a family can fulfill the need for love, security and support. So, with that said, if we believe as the Bible tells us that God owns it all, can’t we then agree that we can trust His provision – financial or otherwise?

I am asked often how much my kids “cost”. When I share with people they are often in awe and reply that they could never spend that much money. Many people have no problem spending that on a car. Let me ask you, which will leave a lasting impact?

For some, God does provide. For others, God requires us to sacrifice. This is an area of struggle and sadly few will pay what it takes. I consider the adoption fees a ransom for the lives of the children. As I asked earlier in a question, if $30,000 would save the live of someone we loved, wouldn’t most of us figure out a way to do it. But if we truly believe and trust that God owns it all, the money it takes really isn’t ours. I understand applying wisdom here. I am not speaking about foolishly entering in to adoption without any type of financial plan and expecting a check to drop in to our hands because we believe that God loves these children. But I am talking about money we have stored for tomorrow – I heard a pastor speak once on how the Bible tells us in the Lord’s prayer, to pray for our daily bread, but Americans want to have their daily bread for about 20 years in advance.

I believe that God will honor that sacrifice of our finances and bless it. I personally have seen that in my own life and with other families. I have had some families literally “balk” when I mention 401(k)’s as an option, or cashing in stock. I am reminded of the parable in Luke 12:16-21 , "The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.' "Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I'll say to myself, "You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry." ' "But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?' "This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God."

I think if we really stop and compare what Jesus did for us and what we have the opportunity to do for the waiting children – our cost is much less than His. Galations 5:6 may express it best, “The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.”
Summing up the cost of our time, expectations, comfort and emotions, do you think that Jesus stopped to count these as He prepared to do what it took to allow us to be adopted children of God? Was it comfortable on the cross? Was it too hard for Him to handle? Was His time less valuable? Was the cost too great?