Because Adoption Matters to Children Without Families - Please Take Action!!!

Advocate Today for Children in Families First Act

February 25, 2014

Liane Steffes, JD

MLJ Adoptions believes that all children belong in families and that growing up with the love, care, and protection of a family is absolutely crucial for a child’s development and well-being. Though U.S. foreign policy theoretically aligns with these tenets by emphasizing the preservation and creation of families for children, the necessary structure, coordination, and resources are not in place to best serve these goals.
The estimated number of orphans worldwide, over 160 million, is positively staggering, with the number of children without families increasing daily. Children without families are vulnerable to abuse, trafficking, and exploitation. Institutionalization, which can negatively impact a child’s brain activity, brain size, IQ, ability to attach and ability to become self-supporting, is not a viable solution for the growing number of children without families.
With this in mind, MLJ Adoptions supports the Children in Families First Act (CHIFF). CHIFF is a holistic and preventative approach to international child welfare that ensures systems are in place to help children remain in their family of birth, be reunited with family, or be adopted locally or internationally. CHIFF, supported by a bipartisan coalition of members of Congress and child welfare organizations, redirects current U.S. government resources towards strengthening, uniting, and creating families, realigns foreign aid with American familial values, and supports intercountry adoption as a protection for children.
CHIFF achieves the above, in part, by establishing a bureau in the Department of State, the Bureau of Vulnerable Children & Family Security, to become the foreign policy and diplomatic hub on international child welfare. This Bureau would be tasked with building international capacity to implement effective child welfare systems, with particular focus on family preservation and reunification, and kinship, domestic, and intercountry adoption.
CHIFF would also streamline, simplify and consolidate responsibility for the processing of all intercountry adoption cases and the accreditation of adoption service providers by placing these functions under the direction of the United States Citizen and Immigration Services (USCIS). Additionally, CHIFF establishes a Center of Excellence within USAID, dedicated to implementation of the 2012 National Action Plan on Children in Adversity, A Framework for International Assistance.
Here at MLJ Adoptions, our team members have been actively promoting CHIFF by reaching out to the Senators representing Indiana, Senators Joe Donnelly and Dan Coats, and our team members’ respective Representatives, through phone calls, letters, and social media efforts. Now, we are asking for YOUR help because together we can make a difference for children without families.
We encourage you to:

1. Call your Members of Congress (Senators/Representatives).
   • Your calls matter! Please call your Members of Congress to let them know you want them to support CHIFF. Telephone calls are very impactful, so please, even if you only have the time to support CHIFF in one way, call! Even if you e-mail a letter or Tweet at your Congressman or Congresswoman, still call!
   • Find your Members of Congress here.
   • A sample phone script is available here.

2. Connect with your Members of Congress Online.
   • Many Members of Congress have Facebook and Twitter accounts where you can reach out to them directly and ask them to support CHIFF.
   • Find your Members of Congress here.

3. Visit your Members of Congress
   •  You can visit your Members of Congress at your local state office or even in D.C.! Please contact the office to make an appointment or check to make sure you are visiting during open office hours.
   • Let them know your personal story! This one page PDF document provides an overview of CHIFF and could be helpful for your in-person visit.

4. E-mail and/or mail a letter to your Members of Congress.
   • Let your Members of Congress know you want them to support CHIFF.
   • A sample letter is available here.
   • Be sure to personalize your letter to tell your story.

5. If your Member of Congress is already a sponsor or co-sponsor to CHIFF, please call and tell them thank you. Many of our team members live in Congresswoman Susan Brooks district and we have let her know how much we appreciate her support of CHIFF.

Together we can give a voice to the vulnerable children of the world. If you would like to support CHIFF and require assistance, please contact MLJ Adoptions and we will be happy to assist.


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Reflection on my children's birth country

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My Lifelong Commitment to Ukraine

February 24, 2014

Lydia Tarr

In the last few weeks my heart has been very heavy for my children’s birth country, Ukraine. I love this country and the strength they represent. They have fought long and hard and have been oppressed many times over the centuries, yet they march on. The Ukrainian people represent endurance and resilience to me. I feel it is that deep rooted strength that my children inherited in order to survive and later to thrive. The pictures coming out of Kyiv break my heart. I can barely log onto Facebook without wanting to cry for the people, the country, and my friends.
Because of my children, the friends I have made, and the time I have spent in Ukraine, I have developed a deep love for the country. Since I have been involved in adoption I have talked to many families over the past 13 years and have discovered that while some families have a willingness to travel, there are those that do not. I strongly encourage every family to travel to their child’s country of birth because I feel it will give you a greater understanding of life there, as well as an appreciation of the United States and the freedom that we often take for granted. I now have a desire for all of my children to visit a foreign country so they can contrast in their own minds as to how privileged they are and appreciate the benefits of the country they now call home.
The pictures I have seen of the riots in Ukraine and their aftermath are a stark contrast to the beauty I saw while in Kyiv, but I am glad that I was able to see it . When travelling to your child’s country you will see the good, the bad and the ugly. You will witness extreme poverty, people that live a very hard life, and experience many things that may shock you. Take the time to witness the beauty of the country, the strength of the people, and appreciate the willingness of the country put the needs of their children first – whether you are adopting from Ukraine, Bulgaria, Africa or Latin America.
It truly upsets me when I hear a family talking negatively about the country their child is from. Some families are unwilling to do post adoption reports because of their feelings towards the country and the life their child endured during their time there, and sometimes the difficulty of the adoption process has made them bitter. It is my wish for all families of internationally adopted children to develop a love for their child’s birth country as opposed to the disdain that some families express.
It is an honor and a privilege to be the mother of four Ukrainians. While I see the negatives in the country, and hate that my children had the lives they had – I was also able to see the beauty of Ukraine and the people there. It is my hope that the children will take great pride in their country.
Photo Credit: Vladimir Yaitskiy
For more information about MLJ Adoptions’ international adoption programs, please click here.

Read more: http://www.mljadoptions.com/blog/my-lifelong-commitment-to-ukraine-20140224/#ixzz2uKq80shx

Is Adoption Education Necessary?

Why Do I Need Adoption Education?

08/05/2013

Lydia Tarr

When my family went through our first adoption, there were no adoption education requirements. We were given a list of books and it was suggested we read one or two. Eager to know all that I could, I did read one of the suggested books, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best and it scared me to death! However, I put my fears aside, dismissed the book and let my 15 years of experience parenting guide me. My daughter was only five months old when we brought her home, so I was very comfortable in my new role as adoptive mom.

As with many families that adopt, I could not let go of the fact that there were so many children in need of a loving and forever family… admittedly I was out to change the world! Our first adoption went so well we thought to ourselves “We could easily do this again!” About five years later we brought home biological sisters ages seven and eight. Now with over 20 years of parenting experience, I didn’t feel any training or education was needed. I knew how to be a mom, right?
 
WRONG! What I did learn is that my previous parenting techniques did not always work. There were many times I simply did not know what to do. Looking back I can see that I made so many mistakes, and that had I simply had better prepared myself with education, I could have avoided many tears and frustrations. Ok probably not all, but some!

Even with some of the difficulties of parenting the last two girls, it was still going pretty well. And in my line of work, there is a job hazard of being exposed to so many children needing families! I used to joke about people that worked in a shoe store having too many shoes…now me with all my children. I’m sure you get the picture. So, once again we dove in and adopted an almost 12 year old boy. There was education available as I was working at MLJ, however with “my” experience I did no more than read a couple of books.

Things were becoming much more difficult at home and left me feeling overwhelmed. I had the opportunity to attend an Empowered to Connect Conference by Karen Purvis, and it was then that I realized just how valuable the education of adoptive families was and how crucial it is to successful parenting. I walked away from that conference crying, about assumptions I had made about my children’s behavior, how I had sometimes handled situations with them, and just how lost I was. It dawned on me that the education was much like insurance. If I am spending thousands of dollars and countless hours on an adoption and my hopes and dreams of giving my family a happily ever after, then isn’t the investment of 10-20 hours of education worth it? Giving me tools to parent children from a difficult past? Helping me to understand my children’s behavior stemmed from trauma and not disobedience? Making sure that I would have a successful adoption and not one ending in lost hope and dissolution? 

As a seasoned adoptive parent and as a professional, I really encourage families to look at adoption education with a new perspective. Instead of focusing on the aggravation of having to write essays or read books, dive in!  Soak up all that you can! Instead of looking back and thinking “I wish I would have…” you’ll know that you did everything you could to be a great parent. Use the time you wait for your child to come home, to arm yourself with all the tools necessary to do what you can to guarantee a successful adoption. Get involved with other adoptive parents and learn from their experiences. Poet, Ralph Waldo Emerson shared, “There is no knowledge that is not power.” Embrace the power!

Photo Credit: United Nations Photo
For more information about MLJ Adoptions' international adoption education, please click here.


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Celebrating the Little Things in Older Child Adoption

02/14/2014

Lydia Tarr

For those of you who have chosen to parent older children, you can probably relate to the struggles that many of us who have adopted older children face on a daily basis. There are days that you question why you did it, other days that you would openly admit you wouldn’t do it again, yet occasionally you get a glimmer of hope… that you are making a difference. 

My son was adopted at age 11 ½  and he faces many challenges. His years of neglect, abuse and trauma have affected him in many ways. School is difficult due to learning disabilities caused by what he has experienced. He looks 15, but often times acts much younger emotionally. He wants to make the right choices, but struggles to do so “in the moment.” He’s often caught in a state of survival - where fight, flight or fear dominate his decisions - or he responds negatively and sometimes shuts down. Later when his mind is freed from survival mode and he can think logically, he apologizes and sincerely wants to do better.

In TBRI® Training, I learned how trauma, abuse and neglect impact brain chemistry. Trauma changes the brain and the “why’s” behind our children’s behavior, which can affect a child of any age (adopted or not), but is very relevant to most of our older adoptees. While I now understand and it does help me to deal with the behaviors, it does not make it easy to live, and some days are harder than others.
Yesterday, I took my son to the store because he had $20 burning a hole in his pocket and wanted to buy his girlfriend a Valentine’s Day gift. He picked out a box of chocolates, and because he had money left, he had to find a way to spend it.  I was becoming exasperated at his insistence, telling him that his remaining $10 could be saved for something else he would want. Later he came up to me with another box of chocolates – this would finish up his spending. I tried to talk him out of it, asked him who it was for and joked around asking him if he had two girlfriends.  He was determined to buy it so I finally said, yes. It was his money after all, he had earned it.

Last night when I went to bed, that second box of chocolates was laying on my pillow.  Along with the box was a note.  “To Mom. I will always love you and dad. Thank you for a good family. Thank you for a chance in my life. You are a cool mom.” This is one of the moments I cherish. This is what I cling to when I want to throw up my hands and scream.  This is the glimmer of hope I try to hold on to on the days I just want to give up.

For those of you who are considering adopting an older child, it is a long and sometimes difficult road. The rewards may seem few and far between and the challenges great. Am I saying this to discourage you? To change your mind? No. I share this with you to encourage you, to do what you can to make a difference in the life of an older child. However, in saying that I want you to know it takes tremendous love and patience. Equip yourself. Educate yourself. By equipping yourself, you will have the tools needed to help your child. By educating yourself, you will better understand what you will face and how to best deal with situations as they come up - and they will! Being prepared will put you in a better position to meet your child’s needs as well as keeping your expectations in check. 

So, is it worth it?  I have a box of chocolate and a Valentine’s Day card that say ABSOLUTELY.
For more information about MLJ Adoptions' international adoption programs, please click here.


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Parenting & Life Value Terms

 

12/31/2013

Nicole Skellenger, JD

Children are not in need of families through international adoption because of happy circumstances. These children need a family because their biological family was unable or unwilling to do so. Poverty, abuse and neglect are likely to have affected your child’s early development. These children may not have had positive social skills modeled for them in their early years. Your child may have spent their early childhood in a group setting with little supervision or discipline. Social skills like respect, listening, and obedience necessary for navigating relationships with adults may be a foreign concept to your child. It is not fair to the child to expect he or she inherently understands the complexities of social interactions without such skills being modeled for them. For many children who have been adopted, the social skills necessary to successfully navigate their world can be taught through patience and practice with the help of parents.

Teaching our children “Life Value Terms” that are easy for them to understand, modeling the skill and having the child model the skill is key to helping children “from hard places” learn how to interact with the world. Dr. Karyn Purvis explains how important it is to use simplistic “Life Term Scripts” with just a few meaningful words to teach appropriate social skills. Dr. Purvis has coined many of these useful phrases that she teaches to parents. These phrases are short and to the point, so that children can understand the terms clearly. Being verbose or lecturing children, especially those with learning difficulties, often does not work in teaching and correcting social behaviors. Below are several phrases created by the TBRI® team that have proved successful:

• "With Respect”
• “Gentle and Kind”
• “Are you asking or telling?”
• “Listen and Obey”

Initially these phrases may be meaningless to a child, but it is up to parents to give those phrases meaning. To give the phases meaning the parent should model behavior and engage in puppet play or skit play to model the behavior. For instance, if I were to explain “gentle and kind” through puppet play, I may show one puppet character (Puppet A) shove the other character (Puppet B) out of the way in order to get a toy. Following this puppet interaction, the parent would explain that this is not “gentle and kind,” and this hurt Puppet B. Then, you would show the child what that interaction would look like if Puppet A were to act in a “gentle and kind” way. Perhaps Puppet A would say to Puppet B “excuse me, I would like to get to play with that toy.” Then you might explain to the child that this is “gentle and kind,” which is the acceptable social behavior.

For older child, you may conduct a short skit with them, where the child plays the role of the parent and the role of the child.  For instance, the child may take the role of the child in the skit and show an example of the child being sassy in asking to stay up longer because she does not want to do to bed; this would be an example of “no respect.” The child could then practice asking respectfully and receive praise from the parent for doing so. The parent and child may also want to switch roles, so that the child can feel what it would feel like to be spoken to without respect as the “parent.”

One important aspect of modeling behavior through puppet play or skit play is to remember to always act out the preferred behavior last and praise the child. This is important so that the child has motor memory of the positive behavior last and so that they experience praise at the end of the lesson. If the child experiences praise, they are more inclined to want to engage in the same type of lessons again. In addition, through the use of puppet and skit play, we are proactively teaching the child life skills, as opposed to only reacting to and correcting behaviors that are negative. This proactive approach helps to develop a trusting relationship and furthers the connection between parent and child. It shows the child that their parent is on their team and that the parent wants the child to be successful. This also allows the child to learn which behaviors are appropriate and which are not in a safe way and during a calm time. A child is much less receptive to this type of leaning in a higher stress time and especially if they are having a meltdown.

Photo Credit: Glyn Lowe PhotoworksFollow our TBRI® Tuesday series right here on the blog every Tuesday.Purvis, K.B. &  Cross, D.R. (2013 September). TBRI® Professional Training Program presented by the TCU Institute of Child Development. Training conducted at Texas Christian University, Fort Worth, Texas


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Bonding with An Older Child Takes Creativity!!!

Nurture Group: What is it and How Does it Work?

02/11/2014

Lydia Tarr

Are you looking for a new way to bond with your child? A way to help your family to learn to knit together when things aren’t going as well as you had planned? One possibility is to utilize the “Nurture Group” developed for TBRI®. 

What is a nurture group? It is a way to have fun with your family while teaching the principals of regulation, playful engagement, connecting, and training. First you must establish the rules.

• Stick Together - Everyone must pay attention and participate.
   
• No Hurts - No hurting anyone physically or emotionally by actions or with words.
   
• Have Fun - This exercise is about having fun as a family and bonding together.

After everyone knows what is or is not allowed, you can begin! Checking in with the family is the next step. Ask questions such as: “How is everyone doing?”, “What is your favorite animal and why?”, or “Tell us something that no one knows about you!” are just a few to help you get started?  Pick an object from around the house that can be easily passed between family members. Explain to everyone that when they hold the object, this signifies it is their turn to speak. Try using a fun item such as a magic feather or light up wand!

Work on regulation skills as you participate. Practicing deep breathing, doing stretches or wall pushups, or utilizing pressure points such as the magic mustache (putting your index finger over your mouth as a mustache and press) are all ways to help calm down. Bubble gum is also a great way to regulate, as are weighted blankets can fidgets. Try to work on demonstrating personal space with one another. A fun way to do this is to use hula hoops, and you might find that it creates much laughter as you “over-demonstrate” personal space.

Nurture is the next part to focus on. With a stash of Band-Aids on hand, ask each person in the group if they have a physical or emotional hurt. Have the person sitting next to them put a Band-Aid on the hurt. If it is an emotional hurt, you can place in an easy spot such as the arm or heart. When asking where the hurt is, establish eye contact and speak in a gentle voice. Other ideas for caring and nurturing is to apply lotion to someone’s hands or take turns rubbing each other’s back. Now for the fun! Play a game together, make up a story, role play or do a skit about something that happened recently – show how to handle it incorrectly and then to do it the correct way. Be sure to get silly when demonstrating the bad way!

Feeding is another great way to bond as well. Select a food or candy that each person enjoys. Have them respectfully ask the other, “Can I feed you this piece of candy?” Allow each person in the group to take turns feeding and accept food from one another. This can be a lot of fun – try Lifesavers or Cheerios on a straw. You’ll see how quickly it turns into a fun game!

In closing, choose a group activity, such as a “hand hug”, which is simply taking turns squeezing hands around the circle.  Go over the topics that you covered whether it is regulation, personal space, or other situations that needed work. Restate the rules of sticking together, no hurts and having fun.

In watching the videos that Dr. Purvis had at the TBRI® training, you could see the changes in the children and how the group interacted as the Nurture Group progressed. Children that were reluctant to participate were pulled in with the “fun” and became willing to participate on some level. I have done the Nurture Group with my own family and saw how eager a group of 12-15 year olds were willing!  Has it helped? Too early to say, but given time I do believe it will!
Photo Credit:smile its shanDerived or reproduced from Trust-Based Relational Intervention® resources (Purvis & Cross, 1999-2013).
Follow our TBRI® Tuesday series right here on the blog every Tuesday.


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IDEAL Response: Correcting Difficult Behaviors the TBRI® Way

01/28/2014

Nicole Skellenger, JD

As Dr. Purvis would say, internationally adopted children come from hard places. These children are not in need of families because of happy circumstance or an ideal upbringing. Even when adopted at a young age, these children have experienced trauma that impacts their development for life. Dr. Purvis categorizes the type of trauma experienced by our children as "complex developmental trauma," meaning the trauma impacts various areas of the child's development. Parenting children with this type of trauma requires that parents are intentional when parenting. Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI®) is a style of parenting thought by many to be the best type of parenting for these kids. TBRI® balances nurture and structure with the main purpose of connecting with the child, even when the child's behavior requires correction.

One of the pillars of TBRI® is that behavioral change can occur organically when the parent and child are connected. For children with behavioral problems, the misbehavior may be a result of the child being in survival mode. Survival mode causes the child to fight, flee or freeze when feeling threatened. For many of our children these survival techniques were necessary for their survival in their early days. When the child arrives home they cannot simply turn these behaviors off, they must build a trusting relationship with their parent through connection. When a child's behavior is disrespectful and needs correction, TBRI® provides guidance on addressing these behaviors while building connection and trust with the parent. TBRI® uses the acronym "IDEAL Response" as a way to remember key steps in addressing and correcting the child's behavior when such behavior needs correction.

 

Immediate: Once a negative behavior occurs, the response to the child's behavior should be as immediate as possible. In an ideal world, the response should occur within 3-5 seconds. The immediacy of the response is so important because it facilitates better learning for these kids, especially those with cognitive impairment. The idea here is to "run to the door, but walk in the room," as Dr. Purvis would say. "Running to the door" means, the interruption of the behavior should happen right away. "Walking in the room" means the intensity by which you address the issue should be calm and steady. We would not want to say things like “just wait until your Father comes home, he will deal with this." For children with lower cognitive functioning, the idea that a child would need to wait for the other spouse to come home to address the issue is not effective correction and would likely not encourage trust.

 

Direct: Parents should directly address the child and get the child's attention before addressing the behavior. You will want to be face-to face with the child and may ask the child for eye-contact. You will want to be close to the child by proximity and may also want to physically touch the child if appropriate (holding the child's hands, touching the child's arm, etc.). To be directly in front of the child you may also match the child's behavior. An example of matching the child's behavior, would be sitting in front of the child Indian style if the child is sitting on the floor Indian style. The idea here is that you do not want to have an imposing stance to invite any fear in the child causing them to fight, flee or freeze, you want to work towards resolution together.

 

Efficient: You do not want to lecture your child. Parents should use short phrases and redirect the behavior, give the child two choices or permit the child to ask for a compromise. For instance, a child is crying because she wants to be carried inside and it is not appropriate for the child to be carried at the time. Parents may give the child two choices, you would offer that the child can walk by your side or hold your hand and walk by your side (notice being picked up was not one of the choices). This allows the child some control and problem solving while still correcting the behavior.

 

Action-Based: These kids are often functioning from the base of their brain (brain stem) when they are in survival mode. They often are not being willfully defiant, but rather their default mode of operation is to fight, flee or freeze. One of the ways to have them learn a new way to behave is to ask that they model that appropriate behavior creating motor memory, so that they learn how to behave in a tangible way. For instance, for the crying child who wants to be picked up, you may say to the child "why don't we try that again with respect." Then you would go to the location where the child started crying and have the child ask to be picked up in a respectful manner, then you could pick the child up and they learned to ask for what they needed instead of melting down. In TBRI®, one of the goals of the parent is to give the child a voice so that they can learn to ask or what they need.

 

Leveled at Behavior: It is vital for these children that the correction that they receive from parents is leveled at or directed to their behavior. The corrections must be about the child's behavior, not the child's worth. This may be the most difficult aspect of practicing TBRI®. It can be difficult to think about the behaviors as separate and apart from the child. Keeping in mind that the child is behaving as they know how based on past trauma, it's the job of the parent to give them new tools and teach new behaviors to be able to implement while reassuring the child that they are loved and they are precious.

 

The heart of TBRI® parenting is connecting with the child, the IDEAL Response allows for parents to correct the child's behavior while building trusting relationships with the child.

 

Photo Credit: CIFOR

Derived or reproduced from Trust-Based Relational Intervention® resources (Purvis & Cross, 1999-2013).

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Older Children Deserve a Family

 

02/05/2014

Amy Moore and Sheri Molnar

Monday, we posted the first-hand account of a MLJ Adoptions client who adopted a teenager through our Bulgaria International Adoption program. She described some of the struggles she encountered during the first year after adopting a teenager. The truth is that adopting an older child or a child who has a special need is not for everyone. But, it’s also true that the landscape of international adoption is changing. 

Child placements through international adoption have fallen significantly over the past five years, while placement of children with a special need or who are older or part of a sibling group is rising. We’ve seen the latter at MLJ Adoptions. In 2013, we experienced a 100% increase in referred children considered to have a special need. And we were thrilled to place sixteen children who meet the definition of special needs in permanent, loving homes last year. Our success continues in 2014. We’ve already referred an HIV+ child and several older children.

 

But, we aren’t content with our past successes. Over the past week our waiting child list has grown by at least ten single children and three sibling groups. That’s twenty children waiting to realize their basic human right to grow up in a family. These children are healthy; however, they are not the Gerber Baby - type. These children are all older and in need of a home and a loving family. 

 

Are older children harder to raise? Adopting and raising a child of any age come with challenges, and difficulties. Monday’s post describes some of these difficulties. But, it also describes the joy that comes with the process. Resources such as TBRI training are providing parents with the tools to successfully navigate parenting a child from a hard place. The internet is allowing families in similar situations to connect and offer support to each other. There’s never been a better time to adopt an older child. 

 

For those of you drawn to it, please consider looking at international adoption with fresh eyes. The wait for infants can be long; the wait for a child on our special needs list may be shorter. Ask yourself, if you have what it takes to raise an older child or one with a special need. Reach out to people who have already adopted older children and discuss their experiences. Perhaps, it could be right for you. Those twenty children on our list are waiting.

 

If you are interested in knowing more about our Special Needs adoption program, please contact info@mljadoptions.com.

Photo Credit: Global Partnership For Education

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6 Things You Need to Know About Adopting an Older Child

 

 

02/03/2014

MLJ Adoptions Bulgaria Client

It’s hard to believe that in ten days, our family will have been together for one year. Adopting a teenager from Bulgaria was not part of our original plan. When we started on our adoption journey, we had intended to adopt an older child between the ages of 8-10. But, when we saw the picture of our daughter, one month before she turned 13, we knew she was the child we had prayed for.  

We were excited and terrified at the same time. Most people want to send their kids to a foreign country when they become teenagers, and we were first time parents going to a foreign country to bring our teenage daughter home. Almost everyone thought we were crazy, even some of our family had doubts about our decision.  

 

Our daughter was almost 14 years old when we brought her home. We realized quickly that we were in love the idea of this child, and she was in love with the idea of having parents, but we didn’t really know each other. Here are some truths about adopting an older child that we have learned in our first year as a family.

1. It’s not about you. The hurtful things they say, the fighting, the defiance – it has nothing to do with you. As a parent, it’s difficult not to take their reactions personally, but you can’t. In the midst of their defiance, and acting out, you have to look beyond the behavior and understand the emotions behind those actions.
    
2. Your child may be a teenager, but developmentally they are much, much younger.  Socially they will be awkward around other children their age, because they do not know how to interact with a child of the same age who had been given the opportunity to develop normally. Their idea of hygiene, and yours, will not be the same. Be sensitive to that. Your child needs you to protect them, teach them, nurture them – not be embarrassed by their behaviors.
    
3. Pick and choose your battles. Your child will probably like things you do not approve of, like revealing clothing, music, movies, smoking, etc. There are some things you may not approve of, like an explicit song, that they find comfort in. Initially, pick and choose your battles. Eventually, they will attach to you, and they will give you the opportunity to parent them. Be patient.
    
4. Respect is a foreign concept for older children. Institutionalized children have to fight for most everything they get. Manipulation and triangulation are survival skills they have learned to perfect. Be consistent, and as parents, present a united front. They will find your weak spots, and use them.
    
5. They will fight the thing they most want. Your child will push you away. They will not come to you for comfort, and if you try to comfort them, they will not let you. It will take time for them to learn to trust you. Everyone they have ever loved has hurt them, or abandoned them. Tell them that there is nothing they can do or say to make you stop loving them.
    
6. Have a good support system.  You’ll need it. Surround yourself with other people who have adopted children of a similar age, both in person and online. Reach out to them for support. You will have days where you feel like giving up, and are overwhelmed by the situation, and you need to have a support system to help you through those times.

Things will settle down. Over time, your child will stop fighting and start finding they are happy more often than angry. They will start to express sincere gratitude for their new life. They will begin to show you affection, and as they learn to trust you, they will come to you for comfort.  

 

There are times where you will reflect upon the past, as a family, and laugh at the things they did that used to make you cry. As you learn about their past and the pain they have endured, your heart will hurt because you were not there to protect your child. You will be amazed at their resiliency.  

 

Adopting an older child has been painful, but also the most rewarding experience of our lives. Seeing our daughter become the person she was always meant to be, but never given the chance to become, is beautiful beyond words. She says it best – “Every child without a family wants to be adopted. Before you are adopted you have nothing. When you are adopted, you have everything”.

 

If you are interested in knowing more about our Special Needs adoption program, please contact info@mljadoptions.com.

Photo Credit: Pratham Books

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Could Bulgaria be an option for you?

Opportunities to Adopt Older Children in Bulgaria

10/04/2012

Lydia Tarr

In recent years, Ukraine has been a very popular country to adopt older school age children. Because of a recent change in law, foreign families are no longer allowed to adopt children under the age of six from Ukraine, thus creating a demand for children six to nine years old. In Ukraine, the popularity of hosting creates the demand for children as young as possible. Additionally, the desire for children that are singles or sibling groups of two has created the situation of having more parents wanting these children, than there are children currently available.

I would like to encourage these families seeking to adopt older children to highly consider Bulgarian adoption as an option. Here are just a few reasons:

1) There are many older children available – healthy and special needs with little to no wait.
2) Bulgaria is a great option for those that want a very steady and predictable process.
3) Due to Bulgaria being a Hague country, the adoption process is very transparent.
4) Very detailed medicals and background information on the children.
5) The in-country stays are shorter, just two trips of 5-7 days.
6) Bulgaria accepts older parents as well as those with some disabilities.
7) Single women and men can adopt from Bulgaria!
8) Bulgaria is a beautiful country and has become one of Europe’s vacation destinations!

Many families tend to have a lot of concerns about older children. How will I communicate? What will they be like? Don’t they have attachment and bonding issues? Images of news clips about Romanian orphans come to mind for many. As someone who has adopted older children, I understand those concerns. In regards to language, people are often surprised when I share my story of how quickly language comes! My daughters who were adopted at ages six and seven from Ukraine were able to communicate in English within three months, and fairly fluent six months after arriving home.
 
Please understand that I am not saying that children coming from an institutional type of setting are not without issues or baggage. As for bonding, it is different for each child and depends on what their backgrounds may be. My family has had to deal with lying, stealing, educational deficits, and there have been hard times, but I can see progress and the good often outweighs the bad. Most days, given the chance I would do it again (tongue in cheek!). My older children very much wanted to be a part of a family and want to be here. There are so many children that have the same desire to belong and if given the chance would thrive in a family. In my opinion, if a family diligently educates themselves on what to expect and keeps their expectations in check, works to learn different parenting techniques that work for institutionalized children and develop a strong support system, there is a very good chance for a positive experience.

For families that had hoped to adopt an older child six to nine years old from Ukraine, or Eastern Europe, Bulgaria presents a wonderful opportunity! There are many healthy children available with little or no wait – boys and girls, as well as siblings! For the sake of many waiting children, check out our Bulgaria program! Who knows, your child may just be waiting for you!
 
Photo credit: This is an MLJ Adoptions, Inc. image. 
For more information about MLJ Adoptions' international adoption programs, please click here.


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If you are open to a child 5 and older - Consider Bulgaria! There are many waiting children!

10 Reasons To Adopt From Bulgaria

10/22/2012

Michele L. Jackson, J.D.

During my time in the Bulgarian orphanages and working in Bulgaria, I was able to observe many benefits in the Bulgarian adoption process. While Bulgaria has not seen the popularity of international adoption like Russian adoptions and Ukrainian adoptions, I find that it has numerous benefits that are often overlooked.
Top 10 benefits to adopting from Bulgaria:
1. Bulgaria is a Hague Convention country and thus the country has invested in the international adoption process and proven their commitment to international adoption.
2. Bulgaria's commitment to international adoption and implementation of Hague provides additional securities in the international adoption process that may not be present in other non-Hague countries.
3. Bulgaria's orphanages and orphanage staff were some of the best I have observed in all of Eastern Europe.
4. Baby orphanages in Bulgaria are staffed with numerous medical personnel.
5. The Bulgarian process is more easily tracked and potentially predictable than many other international adoption programs.
6. Upon receipt of your referral you are traveling quite soon and therefore, there is not a long wait until you personally meet your referred child.
7.  Loss of referral once confirmed by Bulgaria, is extremely rare.
8. Many children with minor and major special needs are also available in Bulgaria and your process is expedited for special needs children.
9. MLJ Adoptions Bulgarian Hague adoption service provider is experienced and very knowledgeable.
10. Bulgarian children are diverse and beautiful.

 
This is an MLJ Adoptions photo.


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Are you shopping for a child? Or are you looking for a child that needs you?

Consumer Mentality v. Commitment Mentality in Adoption

10/21/2013

Brooke Randolph, LMHC

I am so grateful that I was asked to speak at NACAC again this year. Attending adoption conferences makes me a better parent by providing a bit of respite (thanks to wonderfully supportive parents that my child loves spending time with), re-inspiring and refocusing me on the most important aspects of adoptive parenting and the work I do, and creating opportunities to connect with adoption professionals, adoptive parents, and adult adoptees who can all offer important insight and support. I am particularly thankful for the confirmation provided by an international adult adoptee on parenting choices I have made while I was at NACAC this year. I hope more adoptive parents consider attending adoption conferences, especially those like NACAC geared towards adoptive parents striving to be the best that they can be by seeking out new information, new resources, and different opinions. 

 

I have met some inspiring professionals by attending adoption conferences. This year I got so much more out of Maris Blechner's session than I had even hoped. Her emphasis was on inspiring a commitment mentality in adoptive parents rather than the consumer mentality that is rampant in our society. She reminded us that we may not realize just how self-focused we are individually because the consumer mentality is so built in to our society. We are taught that 'the customer is always right' and if we don't get what we want, complaining to the manager or calling the company out on twitter is likely to get us something for free. I loved her example of how the stores are packed on December 26th (Boxing Day) with people returning the gifts that loved ones had given as an expression of love. 

 

Adoption is a commitment that you enter into blindly, but it is no different than adding a child by birth. It is essential that adopting parents are committed to making it work, committed to parenting this child for the rest of their lives, and committed to parenting through the tough stuff. Parenting is the most important, most difficult job you will ever have and this can be even more true in adoption. Whether you add a child to your family through birth or adoption, you cannot guarantee personality, health (in the short term or the long term), or even physical resemblance. Commitment mentality is selfless and puts aside all of what we have dreamed and envisioned our child to be to meet him or her where he or she is, to love all that he or she is and all that he or she is not, and to do the hard work of parenting when it is difficult and not what you had envisioned. Commitment mentality leaves little to no room for disruption or rehoming. 

 

Nearly all will immediately want to state that they come from a commitment mentality rather than a consumer mentality in adoption. In general we don't like to face our entitlement. Commitment mentality faces head-on the struggles of adoptive parenting. Commitment mentality looks for the child's needs before being concerned with the child's behavior. Commitment mentality accepts the potential that the child's age may be mis-approximated, health issues may be unknown, and you may learn about siblings that also need you at a later point. 

 

I do believe there are some expectations you can have of your agency. You can expect honesty and responsiveness. You can expect ethical practices. You can also expect that there are many aspects of the process that are as out of our control as they are yours. There should be customer-service from an agency, but as far as the child is concerned, Mrs. Bletchner says, "there is no room or place for consumer mentality in any successful adoption." Because consumer mentality is so built into our culture, it requires constant vigilance to remain in a committed mentality. The child that joins your family is your child. Entering into the adoption process, you have committed to parenting and committed to this child. Claiming is an important part of helping your child feel safe and integrated into your family. While it is important for my son to hear my refer to him as "my son", it is even more important for him that my heart has claimed the role of "his mom". I am his; I have given myself to him, but it is up to him if he will claim me. No matter how difficult it may get, he can count on me. 

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Photo Credit: Mephis CVB

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