Adopting a Child is a Lifelong Commitment
April 21, 2014
I have assisted in processing hundreds of international adoptions. Since I am a practicing attorney, I have also assisted in situations in which adoptive parents decide they can no longer parent the child they adopted. These are often called adoption dissolutions or disruptions. While some of these situations arise because adoptive parents aren’t adequately prepared or equipped to parent a child from a hard place, it is important for adoptive parents to realize that an adopted child is not a purchase or acquisition that can be “returned”. Adopting a child is a lifelong commitment to raising a child no matter the child’s needs.
In rare instances, parents may find that they are not prepared or they are not the best option for the child. In this case, the parents must provide support to the child until the child is in a better placement. In no way do I promote adoption dissolution or disruption, but I have found that a second adoptive family can be the better placement for the child. Not necessarily because they know more about the child’s behavior or needs, but because they are committed to working through the child’s additional needs. It is most common to see adoption disruptions/dissolutions with children that were adopted through the foster care system and then children that were adopted internationally. It is important for parents to be prepared through adoption education to understand what factors may have and likely will impact their child. It is also important for parents to understand the unknowns and risks of adoption.
According to the law, adoption is the complete termination of the biological parents’ rights which are then transferred to the adoptive parents. The adoptive parents receive all rights and obligations between a parent and a child just as if the child was biologically born to the parents. However, there may be a disconnect with some parents as they see international adoption as a way to the child of their dreams. I have seen requests for a child that is perfect in health, has a specific appearance, behavior, or personality. When what the parents wanted does not seem to match “what they got”, they decide they cannot parent the child and choose to disrupt. While it would seem cruel, neglectful or abusive for someone to “give back” their biological child when that child failed to meet the parents’ expectations, whether due to health issues, cognitive concerns, or behavior resulting from trauma; in some ways our society has accepted the right to “give back” an adopted child. I often think of my own family and the struggles that we face with biological children and the unknowns associated with biological children. In particular, my brother is raising two autistic sons and lost another son to Lymphoma. I doubt he ever considered it appropriate to find another placement for his children when these challenges arose. While these challenges were not what he expected, and they certainly affected the lives of his other children, he is fully committed to meeting the needs of each child.
Facing these types of challenges, it is critical to a child’s well-being that they be supported by a parent that is committed no matter what the future brings. While this could include many doctor visits, counseling sessions or even residential care, parental commitment is not negotiable. Children need a parent that loves unconditionally and parents for the child not for themselves. Parents at the beginning of their adoption journey should consider whether they are willing to parent the child no matter the child’s health, gender, age, appearance or behavior. Are they willing to adopt a child with ADHD, Autism or Lymphoma? They should ask themselves whether they would treat an adopted child differently than a biological child. If the answer is yes, then possibly adoption is not the right choice for them.
Adoption can be an amazing journey for adoptive parents and children alike. But it requires full commitment.
For more information about international adoptions, click here.
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