The Benefits of a Language Barrier During Adjustment
September 12, 2013
Are the children learning English while they wait on the adoption process to be complete? How will I be able to communicate with my child?
Questions about the language a child speaks, even if the child is only a toddler, are some of the more common questions that we receive from parents preparing to adopt internationally. I don’t think there was a single person who didn’t think it was "wonderful" that my son spoke much more English than I expected when I met him. I was not aware that he had been in an English immersion school prior to meeting me; I simply knew that he was in school. While I do think that the early language instruction has been positive for him in adjusting to a new country and culture, meeting peers, and starting school; there may have been some parenting and emotional benefits to a language barrier. It may seem counterintuitive that any kind of barrier would be positive in attachment, but not sharing a common language, especially with an older child, can help parents remember that their child needs them to focus on developmental parenting, learning trust, and attachment.
All children must learn trust in the first psychosocial developmental stage if they are to have healthy attachments. If a child’s early days instead led to the development of mistrust and not believing that the world is safe and they will be cared for, parents must start parenting at that basic level. Even for children that did learn trust in their first year of life, adoptive parents must create an environment that encourages the child that has recently joined their family to attach to them, to trust that the new parents will care for him or her. The important parenting tasks that encourage attachment during adjustment are fully explained in the Adoption Preparation Education course Child Development & Adoption. It helps if parents can think about treating their new child like an infant, focusing on gentle, positive interactions, loving touch, eye contact, proximity, and consistently and compassionately meeting needs.
When a child does not speak the same language as the parents, parents must be more attuned and purposeful about communications. It is harder to give directives when you must use charades to communicate. Rather than asking a child to complete self-care tasks, parents are more likely to assist the child in every step, which is what they need emotionally from their new parents. Not only does the language barrier force us to focus on care taking rather than commands, but we are more likely to be on the child’s level, look him or her in the face, and provide physical touch when communicating. We are also more likely to pay attention to non-verbal clues, basic needs, and facial expressions, helping parents to learn all the nuances of their new child.
Often we forget that just because a child can communicate in a language, it does not mean that he or she fully understands all that is being said. The capability to follow a conversation and pick up on context clues does not mean that the child understands many of the words being used. Colloquialisms can take years to fully understand. Recently, my mother asked my son if something was bugging him; he was confused and a bit frustrated until I translated, ‘she was asking if it irritates you, baby’ which he promptly affirmed. The language barrier can remind parents that they need to explain processes and social customs to children who may be used to very different cultural norms and behaviors.
Children are amazingly adept at picking up a language especially in an immersion environment. I have had a school aged child tell me after just a few months of being in this country that while he could understand his language of origin when spoken by others, he could no longer respond in that language. The grammar and vocabulary of an older child learning a new language grows rapidly. I try to discourage adopting parents from being concerned about a language barrier generally because I know how quickly they will learn to communicate. The time period where communication may take more effort can be a gift encouraging parents to focus on their child’s most basic emotional needs and a means to help parent and child learn each other on a deeper level.
You may also be interested in Communicating Emotionally and the Big Blue Dog
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