From Dreams to Reality

Today is a hard day. I will watch as 13 children prepare to go back to their orphanage, I will see them fight for composure, some will have stone faces as my Katelyn did, and some will cry and cling to their family. Families will struggle with the emotions,trying to hold it together until the children are out of sight. That in itself is hard enough - but today I will put a child that is close to my heart on that airplane and back to a life in the orphanage, not knowing what his future holds and that is the hard part.

Our little guy, V, said that being here was like a dream that he could have never imagined. My heart breaks as I have to send him back to reality. The reality of feeling like no one special, of being picked on by the older kids and made fun of. I hope while he was here, he felt the love of Jesus. I tried to love him as my own, and I did with all of my heart. I want him to know that there is someone in this world that loves him and cares for him.

Last night we were not able to maintain our emotions. I was packing V's suitcase and put in his blanket we gave him. I began to think about him being cold and having no one to snuggle with - which he loves. About being sick like he was yesterday and having no one to hold him. And I went to my bathroom and sobbed, crying out to God. Then my 4 girls came in and tried to comfort me and they too began to cry. Their hearts are broken for this precious boy. They have been so good to him - and all of them love him and want him to stay. I can't imagine what today will be like.

When V saw us crying - he was hugging all of us and trying to comfort us, telling us - "It's okay, It's okay." Quite honestly it isn't. I don't know that my heart will ever get over having to send him back and not knowing if he will have a family. At church Sunday, I was praying for him and couldn't stop crying. The one's that were comforting me were the kids that I had helped find families. The irony that I was being comforted by ones that I helped and that I was crying over one that I had not helped only made me cry more.

I am washing the last of his clothes and as I put them in the laundry I wondered if he would get to keep any of the clothes that the girls and I so lovingly picked out. Or keep any of the gifts that we gave him and he delighted in - or would they all be stripped away by older boys? For a moment I clung to the fact that he would have the love we gave him and he would be able to hold on to that - but then it hit me, HOW LONG UNTIL THAT IS STRIPPED AWAY? How long will he feel our love before the reality strips it all away? At what point will he stop feeling our love? At what point does the pain erase it all?


For now - all I can do is to love him and continue to offer him up to God. I know that God loves him even more than I do. I pray that God keeps him safe and protects him from all the hardness of this world. I hope he always has a song to sing. a hug to give and a smile on his face, as we know him. With a heart that is broken, I will pray..........trusting God for his life and praying that he will find the dream again.